The last two years have been the two most painful, exciting, and freeing years of my life. It was beyond hard. There were days I wasn’t sure I’d make it to the next. Some days the pain was so strong that the simple act of breathing was unbearable.

Melodramatic?

Perhaps. But that’s what it felt like. Walking away from everything you know. Everything you are. Everything that defines you. Taking steps into the unknown and bidding a former life farewell…

It sounds so glamorous in the movies.

It’s not.

It sucks.

At least, the journey does. But the destination? The destination is what makes it worth it. The destination is where I am free to be me.

I’ve put together this list of links for anyone who wants to know how someone can go from who I was to who I am. It’s not complete. After awhile, once I realized the scope of my decision, I went private. I stopped being transparent online, because I had to hide the new me. I had to pretend. I don’t have to do that anymore, so I’m putting it all together in one place for anyone interested.

It’s a long list. Particularly the middle section. The ones in bold are the ones that are most relevant, if you don’t want to wade through all of it.

Who I Was:

• Testimony
• What do I do?
• A Call to Christians
• What does “Christian” mean?
• What is Grace?

Ups and Downs:

• Strong? Or Not. (Doubts)
• Searching (Faith)
• All for Nothing (Doubts)
• Where I Am (tentative steps)
• What Happened to Mandi Kaye?
• Transformation (faith)
• Trampolines and Bricks (faith)
• No Condemnation (reaction from a friend to what was happening with me)
• A Simpler Way (faith)
• Sin isn’t the point. Nudity is. (faith)
• Going through the Motions
• Consequences
• I’m Processing Through It (faith)
• Choice
• What’s Happening in my Head?
• Letters From a Skeptic
• Daily suicide and other random thoughts
• My Choice for Faith
• Repainting Faith
• I am a Christian
• Statement of Faith

The End:

• It is Finished
• I Miss It
• It’s Not Over
• I’m Coming Out
• de-converted?
• New Things

I do realize that there’s a lapse there between my Statement of Faith and It is Finished. I had reached a point where I felt like I couldn’t be honest and true here anymore. But my mental state was constantly questioning the choice I had made. It wasn’t a random “today I have faith and tomorrow I don’t”. Pay attention to the dates on the entries. You’ll see the struggles I had.

This definitely was NOT easy.