It’s amazing to me how drastically your moods and emotions are (or can be, at least) affected by your circumstances.
I’m doing much better than I was earlier in the week. I confronted a few people who needed to be confronted, and the outcome was better than I expected. It was actually kind of liberating to talk to someone about the problem I had with them, rather than just stewing in it.
I also started mending the rift between my best friend and myself. This is progress.
And!
I’m not going to be in my hole tonight. For the SECOND Friday night in a row, I’m going out with friends to dinner and a movie (Wall E!).
Of course, I have every intention of spending the next two days completely immersed in Medievia because my character is nearly heroed and if I try really really really hard, I think I can hero her this weekend. And that’s my goal.
I used to say that if I was depressed it was because my relationship with God wasn’t where it was supposed to be.
Now, I know that’s not true. The problem is that I no longer feel as if I belong anywhere. I don’t fit in with my friends anymore. So I hole up in my room and don’t do any anything except watch Charmed on DVD and play my game. It’s too hard to try and make myself be someone I’m not.
It’s even harder to be who I am all alone.
And then there are the other issues compounding it. I’ve been called a liar, a stalker, and a whore in the past week. Last night it was “bipolar emo stalker.” All from someone who I really cared about and who has hurt me more than I ever thought possible.
So no, I’m not okay. And I don’t know how long it will be before I am again.
Something happened recently that made me hit an all time low in my life. Honest to goodness, I’ve never cried so much in my life. But they say time heals all wounds, and it’s true. Each day that passes is a little bit better. I’ve moved beyond hurt to anger. From anger I expect to move to indifference. And indifferent is where I hope I stay, at least in this situation.
I am so proud of myself. I actually got up and worked out this morning. There was a split second decision in my head - should I go back to sleep? - but I hauled my butt downstairs and did it.
It was easier today. I was able to go faster than I’ve been able to previously. And I wasn’t ready to die when I was finished - I probably could have gone longer if I hadn’t needed to get ready for work.
Also, I promise I’ll post something soon that doesn’t have to do with the new me.
